Ambiguous Art

I am amazed by the kindness my Father shows me. I am a mess. I seem to know nothing of consistency, commitment, loyalty, or faithfulness. Things I demand in my friends are truly lacking in myself. Yet his grace never stops. I am pursued by a love that makes no sense to me.

Well, this is my first post from Canada. It’s strange to think that so much has remained the same and so much has changed at the same time. I like the same things, think the same thoughts, and love the same people, but I am in such a different place in my life. Geography has changed, climate is cooler, and living arrangements are much trickier.

I want to say that Canada is everything I dreamed it would be, but that would be a lie of omission. This beautiful/strange place called Thunder Bay is a fulfilment of dreams and a realization of fears that had yet to arise. I miss my mother, my dog, and a wonderful man that didn’t even know how much I loved him. I am learning, though. This is a great move for me, and I know that I will continue to see Father working in and around me. Hopefully, I will also see him working through me.

I waver between urges to go “home” and to make this my new home. I know that the latter lies closer to the desire of my heart, though. I have been called here, and I cannot turn back. I want to see all that is planned for me here. I am terrified and unsure, but there is no denying a purpose bigger than nannying is here for me in Thunder Bay.

I am becoming less and less convinced that I will return. This is not to say that I won’t, but I am less attached to the idea of Charlotte as home. This is my home. Thunder Bay. It is beautiful and new and frightening, but any place or act of greatness always is.

Pray for me. I need you. I need your support. Renovatus is forever in my heart and always on my mind. I cannot even begin to explain the immensity of my love for you (but if you really want an inkling, read Philippians 1). You will always be my family. Thank you for everything. Really.

Well, I’m sure most of you who read this already know my good news, but just in case:

I’m moving to Canada!

I leave on May 12th, so make sure you get in some quality Beth time.

• mango mojitos
• Dawn Landes
• twinkle lights

it’s hard to breathe in this city; it’s easier to drink

I know that I need Him more than I need anyone else. No lover could ever save me from the places I’ve made for myself–nests of sin and misery that I can fly back and forth between. He felled this bird with one well-aimed stone, knocked the flight from my wings. No longer able to flit between dirty hovels, I will rest in this safe haven. It is the haven that His love wraps me in.

I could be in a different state by the fall. Would you miss me?

who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?
-Bon Iver-

We’ll promise to be friends forever.
We’ll promise to always be there.
We’ll promise to tell the hard truth.
We’ll promise to never lie.
We’ll promise to humor each other when necessary.
We’ll promise to hug a lot.
We’ll promise to say nice things.
We’ll promise to never say mean things.
We’ll promise to respect each other.
We’ll promise to laugh.
We’ll promise to learn new things together.
We’ll promise to stay hopeful.
We’ll promise to never hold each other back.

I’ll promise to love you.

Riding on the back of my dad’s motorcycle I feel like I’m viewing the world through God’s eyes.
For this brief moment I am the Creator soaking in the beautiful sight of the creation.
I am amazed by the variety of land and plants and animals.

We ride in the country, where the roads are straight and the sky is wide.
I wonder if life moves slower out here, if maybe people grow old but don’t feel the pressure to stay young.
I know nothing of this; I am a city girl.

God knows every inch of this land; every tiny, worn down house; every cow grazing in someone’s backyard.
He sees every tree, and I’m sure they make him smile (trees must be his favorite).
You can see the ones that have been here forever, tall and strong against the wind, and then they break to wide plains.

The sun warms my cold skin and gives the land a soft light.
Clouds are few and fleeting today.
Perfection exists here; I’m sure of it.

The following is an excerpt from Desiring God by John Piper:

Another essential element of joy is freedom. None of us would be happy if we were not free from what we hate and free for what we love. And where do we find true freedom? Psalm 119:45 says, “I shall walk in freedom, for I sought your precepts” (author’s translation). The picture is one of open spaces. The Word frees us from smallness of mind (1Kings 4:29) and from threatening confinements (Psalm 18:19).

Jesus says, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). The freedom He has in mind is freedom from the slavery of sin (v. 34). Or, to put it positively, it is freedom for holiness. The promises of God’s grace provide the power that makes the demands of God’s holiness an experience of freedom rather than fear. Peter described the freeing power of God’s promises like this: “Through [His precious and very great promises] you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire” (2 Peter 1:4). In other words, when we trust the promises of God, we sever the root of corruption by the power of a superior promise.

Therefore we should pray for each other the way Jesus prays for us in John 17:17: “Sanctify them in truth; your word is truth.” There is no abiding joy without holiness, for the Scripture says, “Strive…for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14). How important, then, is the truth that sanctifies! How crucial is the Word that breaks the power of counterfeit pleasures! And how vigilant we should be to light our paths and load our hearts with the Word of God! “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Psalm 119:105). “I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you” (v. 11; cf. v. 9).

I feel like there is a lot in this short section to chew on, but I really want to take time to savor the first paragraph (I might come back to the rest later). The idea of God’s freedom as wide, open places resonates within me. Maybe this doesn’t sound beautiful or pleasing to you, but just picturing these open spaces brings pure, sweet joy to my heart. In context, Piper’s discussion of this freedom is connected to the importance of God’s Word. When we read it, meditate on it, let it become a part of us, we experience a giddy sense of freedom that can come from nowhere else. God’s Word truly breaks the power of sin in our lives and frees us to live lives of holiness! It is the freedom of wide, open spaces where one can run, play, cartwheel, somersault, and laugh until you collapse to the ground in exhaustion. How totally beautiful!

I would encourage you to look up those verses (Psalm 119:45, 1 Kings 4:29, and Psalm 18:19) and meditate on them. Underline them, write them on post-its and place them in prominent places in your house or at work. Do whatever it takes to let the truth of the freeing power of God’s Word capture your heart!

I keep trying to think of something profound with which to enlighten the masses, but I got nothin’. I think my problem is that this week’s reading is kicking my butt.

“Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” –Matthew 5:17-20

What hope is there for me? I’m a freaking Bible major, and I feel so… spiritually pathetic. I am in desperate need of humilty, and those verses kill me. My pride is shattered; it stands no chance in the face of those words.